i never truly realized how much ppl cared, or how much the little things in life could mean. i always took things for granted & never thought that i was someone who's doings really impacted others. but i guess i can tell you now that the things that happened over the last few days has drastically changed my view of that.

midterms. went way more smoothly than ever. i have never felt the strength of power so strongly behind me ever. the peace that was in my heart is so indescribable...i can only describe it as something of the divine and truly amazing.

b-day. u guys are truly truly beyond my imagination good people. it meant so much. honestly, it was all those little things that touched me so incredibly. i am so freakin blessed to call you my friends. thank you times a billion...you all mean so much to me.

family visit. i have never enjoyed the value of spending time with my family so much. it was awesome.

i will never forget the blessings that have been and are continually poured out on me.

As I look outside at the beautiful scenery, I am amazed at how such a small phenomenon is like a miracle in my eyes.

It’s 1am. Coming back from studying at Watts, frustrated with physics, frustrated with my blog cuz it won’t let me load the page…and just overwhelmed in general about everything that’s going on. I need a break. I just wanna get away where’s there’s nothing but me and God. I just wanna enjoy the simplicity of life and just go back to a simple state of life without complications.

When I stepped outside to walk back, I saw a hazy midst that was thick and dense, which i could not clearly see through. It made me feel like I had an idea where i was going but i had no idea where i was headed to, if you know what i mean. The immediate thoughts that ran through my mind were that of Alberta. Two summers ago when i worked with natives, when I walked outside after a long day, a hazy midst, both unique and beautiful awaited me. Dense at the bottom and clear at the top. and on top of that, the sun was setting. i will never forget what that looked like.

As these thoughts ran through my head, it reminded me of how blessed I am. How blessing after blessing continue to pour out, even when I don’t notice them. How in the midst of trouble, there is something beautiful at the other end that just awaits to be explored. I cannot see the place where I am to go, but one thing I know, that what is needed to be revealed will be revealed one at a time.

wow....i never knew that it was possible to work so hard. 6 hours of straight studying today....now that is insane! alright....yes i did take breaks...BUT i swear...they were little ones, like no more than 5-10 min each....

since it was homecoming wkend...i stayed at a friend's place cuz i wanted to study & sleep well & study & work & study....and yes, i DID manage to do all of the above. i didn't think i had the motivation nor the energy to do it. but i guess sometimes i amaze myself. darn, home cooked meals are sooo good!! hehe...i luv it when upper yrs cook for me...tis fun & i getta see who's the best cook.......but now i miss my mommy all the more...i getta go back 1st wk of nov -- i hope i can wait until then.

oh midterms....why must you come? why can't u just go away and give me 100%?
i was talking to amy bout midterms today....and she said something so incredibly encouraging that i have to put it on here. me: "how do u know? [that i would do well on midterms]"... amy: "i believe in you."

it's been awhile....my blog and i have been seperated officially for a week now...

so if u're reading this, i'm guessing you wanna know what i'm up to now. well....all i can say is that i am crazy manic that tries so very very hard to study. when i say try, i mean i try to study...i reallie do. i try to be hardworking & all...but there are wwwaaaaaayyyyy too many distractions here. too many ppl, too many things to do....even the library can be distracting....b/c i have this paranoia of going outside after dark by myself...so i always have to go w/ppl...& sometimes they can be distracting...lol and walking to and from the library takes so much time.

a typical school day for me now is running to "convenient" classess..and by convenient i mean going out of my way to another class so i will have more time to study....with longer breaks....ok, i'm not that bad, i reallie only consistently go to another math class...the other ones i've gotta admit that i've been pretty good in going to my own class...THEN after class..it would be chill & organize myself...try so very hard to study....eat for an hr w/ppl & then go to stauffer. or go to the gym. or play some other sort of sport....haha...i'm so bad. exercise is my ultimate excuse for not doing work...well...i guess u can tell that right now i'm using my blog & the internet as my excuse for not doing work. well....back to studying...gotta learn some mad bio + psyc.

an awesome quote that i stumbled upon in the JDUC giftshop and also in my yearbook. it was so encouraging to read it on the way back up here after thanksgiving...it says so much in its few sentences.
_____________

i went to transformers today. for those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically ccf's weekly saturday volunteering where we get involved in our community. today, we went to rideau heights, the salvation army church in kingston. they had an event called "drifters", where a band came in & teens could just come in & chill...learn & experience, i guess. there is one word that i can use to describe my experience there tonite --incredible. even though on our own, we probably would not have been done very much, but it's interesting how all these small little actions that everyone takes can collaborate into something so beautiful. there was no denying it, God was there. i KNOW the kids heard something that they needed to hear, to hear of a God that cares so freaking much about them. to hear of a God who took the initive to step out. and by extension, we were there b/c of that reason, and that powerful reason could be felt throughout. such small acts of love can go so far.

and that confirms my conviction that we are alive today to be blessings to each other.

If it wasn’t for Your mercy
If it wasn’t for Your love
If it wasn’t for Your kindness
How could I stand?

If it wasn’t for Your cleansing
If it wasn’t for Your blood
If it wasn’t for Your goodness
How could I stand?

And I find myself again
Where even angels fear to tread
Where I would never dare to come
But for the cleansing of Your blood

With You there is forgiveness
And therefore You are feared
Jesus, it’s Your loving kindness
That brings me to my knees

In the beauty of Your holiness…>>
_______
Matt Redman, where angels fear to tread

going home for thanksgiving was --weird. when we drove into markham, it felt like driving into a foreign place, yet i knew all about this foreign place...i knew where which street were, i knew what traffic looked like, i knew where the mall is etc etc. but it didn't reallie feel quite like home. it's funny how only one month away from home can do strange things to you. but nevertheless, i had an awesome time and the weirdness feeling didn't last for long. now i just feel like i live in seperate worlds. and these worlds don't interact. they're just two worlds.

i never knew how much i missed home until i got back home. what i mean is -- i never knew how freaking comfortable my bed is...wow, i have never slept so deeply in my life. i never knew how freaking good chinese food is...quality chinese food. so healthy compared to the stuff here. even tho i ate tons & tons, i still feel skinnier than i was when i left ktown. i never knew how good of a cook my mom is. so healthy, yet so good at the same time...i'm craving it already. i never knew how much i missed driving. i never knew how much room i have back at home compared to rez. i never knew...that i was given so much to cherish.

but most of all, i never knew how far away from reality i was when i was at home. tons of work pile onto me & the pressure of midterms in 2 weeks taunts me. i never knew, how fast time goes by.

so now i sit here in my rez room, typing away, wishing that i had more time to spend at home.

Will you let me heal you?

those words echoed through my mind during bethel's praise & power today. the words freedom, chains, bondage, sacrifice all ran through my head. it felt like before me there was this huge wall that i could neither climb or walk through, b/c i had neither the diligence or the strength.
i'm not sure where i stand, or where i should go. what i should think or what i should do. i know there are some things that i should be doing that i am neglecting -- like spending more time with my floormates. going out of my comfort zone. being still.

"be still, and know that I am God; i will be exalted among the nations, i will be exalted in the earth." (psalm 46:10)

it's so hard to get away from all this. it's so hard to get away from ppl. it's so hard to balance.

during the worship session tonight, something popped into my head that i cannot neglect. i remembered how one time, i was praying to God about my relationship with my parents. how i wanted change. and an image came into my mind that still sticks with me. jesus stood at the doorway to my house. he rang the doorbell and continued knocking gently until i let him in. when he came in, he observed everything in such a manner that i saw pain in his eyes. i could feel it. then we went into this one room where there was a shattered picture on the floor. the picture was of my family. he turned to me and asked, "do you trust me? do you trust me? i can rebuild this, do you trust me?"
things have changed drastically since that day. and i know that my restored relationship with them is a miracle. i could not have done it if He did not put the pieces together.

many more barriers are yet to fall, and when they do, it will be a glorious day.

there is always hope.