so, as i learned today, never, NEVER give my sister tea. why? you may ask...well, simply because she goes insane.

and here's a sample of our conversation to prove it.

sis: is it possible to drown in tea?
me: ummm...maybe if you were in a swimming pool of tea
sis: no, like, if your nasal cavity was clogged, could you drown?
me: you would spit it out
sis: but what if you weren't allowed to spit it out?
me: then it's called suffocation...
sis: like if you had duct tape on your mouth, you weren't allowed to swallow and your nasal cavity was congested....what would happen?
me: you would....umm....
sis: would it go down my trachea? and then i would drown?
me: um, i think the correct term is choke
sis: oh yeah...
me: (attempting to incorporate some anatomy knowledge) well, if any liquid ever hits your vocal cords, it would enduce the coughing reflex which would make you cough it out
sis: hey, but if there's duct tape in front of your mouth, then you can't cough it out, would it come out your ears?
me: well...theoretically yes, since there is an auditory tube opening in your nasal cavity.

see, high on caffeine, no good. gosh.

i thought i would be at peace with this either way, but i'm not.

oh gosh, today was so crazy. it's like the individual events seemed like separate days...but really, it was all just one hugely long day jam packed with fun, laughter, joy, pain, hurt, burdens...etc etc. so pretty much all the emotions there are out there.

yet despite all the busyness, there's one incident that sticks out in my mind, that perhaps explains my entire day in a nutshell...

i had to meet the doctor i'm working for this summer this morning. my mom decides to be the best mom ever and drive me instead of having me take the bus all the way to sunnybrook because she doesn't want me to be late for our first meeting...and i honestly have no idea how long it takes to get there by bus, so i guess it worked out well that she would drive me. the fastest way to sunnybrook from my house is to get on the 404 and then on the 401 and exit at bayview and go south till you hit the hospital. so we're cruzing along in the "carpool, only 2 or more ppl in car can drive in this lane" lane...and it seems like we're going really really fast b/c traffic isn't really moving and we're just wizzing by...and me, being the little kid that i can be, goes, "hey mom, we're going really fast, this is so sweet!".

i dunno why i suddently thought of this, but i thought about how we treat life sometimes. i thought about how we go about our day to day business...seeing many things, like the many cars that i saw on the highway, and never really going, or driving, slow enough to really see what's going on around you. for all i know, there could have been someone in the middle of the highway screaming for help (ok fine, my sceneros aren't that likely), but we were too occupied by our goal to even care. and i wonder how many opportunities we miss, how many needs we neglect, and how much potential is lost in the midst of being occupied by selfish goals. if i even bothered to look around me, would i even see the needs? and if i saw a need, would i stop the car and go and help them? do we even care about one another anymore? why is it that we let ourselves become so preoccupied with out lives that we give God no room to show us something more?

i can't perceive or understand the kindness of your hand or the mercy in your eyes as you forgave my crime. you made daybreak through the night, you made my heart to shine. i took my breath, you gave me life, i could not see, you gave me sight. your fellowship is free, you hold on to me, you washed me in the truth. you made this desert bloom. i can't perceive or understand the kindness of your hand or the mercy in your eyes as you forgave my crimes.

-charlie hall,all my love

sometimes i wonder why ppl expect so much out of me. sometimes i wonder what ppl see when they look at me. sometimes i wonder how i could be so privaleged to experience the love and grace of God.

sometimes i wonder what it's going to take to chase after God. what it means to seek Him and find Him.